it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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