We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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