Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
