Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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