i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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