He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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