also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize