She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
