I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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