I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
