tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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