My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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