I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
