he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
