I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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