After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
