A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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