its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
