I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
