So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
