We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
