We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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