yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
