Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Randomize
