WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
