Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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