why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
