how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
