just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
