Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
