it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
