I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Just took my morning after pill in the library
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Randomize
