4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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