you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
