it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
He uses pillows to masturbate.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
