I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
