Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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