Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
