So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
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