I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
