i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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