Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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