1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Randomize
