I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
