I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
