He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
