theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
