She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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