my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
