Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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