Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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