Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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