Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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