Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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