I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
